Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, mostly pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I fear the psychological toll this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the worth of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
